i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
