I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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