It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
