my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Randomize
