My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
