i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
