I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
