he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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