i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
