before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
