I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
