When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
