Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
