Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
