he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
