I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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