So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
