my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
