Someone shit on the floor
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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