Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
