i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
