I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
