The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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