yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
