I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
this hospital has no fireball
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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