I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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