I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
