You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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