My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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