My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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