I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
