also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
