Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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