I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
