so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
