Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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