the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
