Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
