when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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