Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
