she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
