I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
