Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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