Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
