Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
