I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
