Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
