just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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