I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
