we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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